What am I supposed to do in this situation?

Have you ever walked into a restaurant and despite apparently free tables, the hostess tells you you’ll have to wait. Eventually, she seats you — not at the window booth or by the lovely potted ferns, but way in the back by the kitchen, where noise, plates and rushing waiters spill through the swinging doors. It is not a pleasant experience. Unfortunately, situations like these are faced by YBPs everyday, and our disparate experiences make it necessary for us to adopt unconventional etiquette rules. We may face subtle discrimination from time to time and the blatent disrespect can leave us flabergasted. Despite the urge to react with a defensive and/or agressive tone, it is important to remain professional. There are many tactful ways to handle the above scenario. For example, when you are offered an offensive table, tell the maitre d’ firmly, “I’m sorry; this isn’t acceptable. We’d rather sit over there, please.” If you’re told they’re all reserved, simply smile and insist “I’m sure you’ll work something out,” and remain standing until you get a better table.” If the matter isn’t resolved to your satisfaction, you may choose to leave and take your business elsewhere.

This priceless advice came from a guide to etiquette for real people who live real lives. In Basic Black, Karen Grigsby Bates and Karen Elyse Hudson have gathered those elements that are, well, just basic to making life more livable–and they’ve added something specific to modern life. The information in Basic Black goes from “CP Time” to “Don’t You Dare,” from addressing your wedding invitations to addressing a police officer who has perhaps arbitrarily stopped you as you’re driving through the city. It covers traditional etiquette, such as table settings, being a good host, letter writing, and tipping. Basic Black covers the essentials of black American tradition: joining a church, mentoring young people, planning a funeral, family reunions, participating in clubs and organizations. In addition, some delicate areas seldom discussed in other etiquette books are addressed here, such as race in the workplace, handling service people who are less than enthusiastic about having black customers, and keeping your job and your temper when racial slurs are used in your presence. As Bates and Hudson like to note, etiquette is about more than just which fork goes where: “As far as we’re concerned, no one will die if you use the wrong fork, but we’ll each lose a little piece of ourselves if we choose to live our lives without genuine respect for morality, character, kindness and other people.”

Another good read on conduct is How to Be: A Guide to Contemporary Living for African Americans by Harriet Cole. Drawing on ancient sages and anecdotal tales, Cole covers general codes of conduct and every particular from dating, travel, and work to money, politics, and family. More conversational than an Emily Post treatise, more reflective than a simple laundry list of do’s and don’ts, Cole’s How To Be is as much a guide for the spirit as it is for specific behaviors. Still, she does take on specific questions that represent common quandaries, such as “What can I do when my child comes home proclaiming that he has changed his religion?” and “Do I have to change my vocabulary when I am speaking with elders?” and “I am in love with a wonderful man, but my family doesn’t like him at all. How can I manage this?”

Essentially, both of these books have the same goal- to guide us through sticky situations that we may not have even thought of until they actually occur. These tips go beyond basic etiquette such as where to place a dinner fork and how to eat soup. They provide deeper assistance with small battles that still require us to remain professional. I would treat them as a general reference guide and as great coffee table material.