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I have not yet known a couple or any relationship that did not experience arguments. The complete absence of arguments can indicate a serious breakdown in communication or spontaneity in the relationship. However, arguments are probably the number one reason why couples seek therapy. This is not surprising since arguments can be damaging and hurtful, repetitive and unfair.

The wider problem is rooted in both human nature and in the conditions of existence. For instance, inordinate stress upon any social grouping will likely result in more aggressive behaviors or conflict. But I think the main issue is this: arguments occur because the significant needs of one person come into conflict with the significant needs of the other person. Because the need, whatever it is (to be heard, to be comforted, to feel safe, to have quiet, to be stimulated, to share, etc.), is valid for the person who feels it, it makes it difficult to hear or appreciate the other person’s condition. Arguments occur because the need state of both individuals is at an acute state, and interacting in a maladaptive fashion.

Therefore, the core of every argument usually contains something of importance. The problem is that usually the important aspects have been poorly or incompletely communicated. Once an argument begins, both partners usually stop listening and start getting defensive. This is logical, because usually they being attacked, just they are are usually also doing some attacking.

In an argument, what is being expressed are various feelings, resentments, past grievances, usually anything but what is most difficult to express in the moment of the fight. That is why fighting partners feel so frustrated, even after the fight. The trick is to stop the argument and shift to a non-judgmental, understanding and listening mode. This is very hard, and sometimes will take the intervention of a trained therapist to help you learn how to do this quickly, before blame and anger leave wounds that prevent or delay the reestablishment of loving and trusting bonds that facilitate communication, understanding and intimacy.

It may be helpful to realize that arguments often perpetuate themselves because of conscious, and unconscious, expectations and assumptions about our partner. These assumptions are carried over from past hurts and lingering wishes from previous relationships, including the relationships we had with our parents and siblings. When the assumptions and/or needs of one partner touches off negative expectations (fears) or disappointments in the other partner, you have a recipe for the kind of repetitive argument pattern that plagues so many couples. Therapy is helpful in working through such dilemmas, especially if you are in a serious relationship headed towards the alter.