A funny thing happened on the way to sexual freedom; we began to divorce sex from our spirituality. And, when we did it became a commodity, commerce, a bargaining tool, a hobby- like reading a book, or tennis lessons.
Sex is natural and healthy. Iyanla Vanzant writes that a sexual encounter is a powerful experience in which bodies can share pleasure, with or without the benefit of intimacy. However unless we are very careful and very honest with ourselves, when we separate sex from intimacy we open the door to disappointment, obsession and broken relationships.
The issue is that it is unexceptional to believe or rely upon the feelings of attraction and infatuation that often drive our physical urges. In “Love: The Chemical Reaction” Lauren Slater reported ways in which the release of dopamine and the brain chemistry of infatuation is akin to mental illnessâ€â€which gives new meaning to “madly in love.” She wrote about how unreliable and misleading those sensations can be. “It is why, when you are newly in love, you can stay up all night, watch the sun rise, run a race, ski fast down a slope ordinarily too steep for your skill.” Knowing how powerful and sometimes delusory the sexual influence can be, it is important to know yourself, know your susceptibility and have defined boundaries before you engage.
To be sure everyone is not looking for a life-long partner or earth-shattering experience every time they “hook up.” But, perhaps they should be. In a recent message my Reverend, Karen Epps, commented that it is not who you are sleeping with, but why you are sleeping with them that is important. Like Samson, she suggested that when we separate ourselves from our divinity (like Samson did when he told Delilah the source of his power) we are weakened. Maybe we confuse sex with love; because sex feels good, Iyanla writes, we often mistake our sexual experiences for true giving and receiving of love. Maybe we compromise a relationship we are already in, or what we said we wanted sex to mean to us personally.
If you are one of the men for whom the old saying “men think about sex every seven seconds” is true, is it time to consider whether there is something healthier, more edifying and encouraging to meditate on? If it is true that as a man thinketh so is he, don’t you want to be more than the average man has managed thus far? If the average American has sex before marriage, does not marry after living together (and presumably having sex), and gets divorced, maybe it’s time to do something different. Unless we make concerted efforts to have unique experiences then I fully believe that our stories won’t be any different than the stories of broken relationships, divorces and infidelity that come before us.
If you are having sex to get off and you feel like you could be doing it with any catalogue of persons at a given time, then you are doing little more than using someone else to masturbate. And, that could be fine for you, just make sure it’s okay for that person, too. And, make sure you have really asked yourself if that is all you want; to see the world through a flesh-colored lens, and experience people like sample spoons at Baskin Robins. Or ask yourself if you believe there is more? Is it worth it to know more about yourself, and your limits and what’s important to you by not giving in to your obvious, average, expected to desire to get off? Haven’t you had enough practice getting off?
There is power in sex. And that power can be used to lift you and your partner up, or to do nothing special at all. And, don’t think your spirituality and God are not a part of it. Scripture has wonderful things to say about sex. The ultimate goal is to do all things to the glory of God. So query: are your sexual experiences the highest expression of you and the divine image and spirit of God inside you?
It is no coincidence that in “The Abstinence” episode of Seinfeld George discovers his intellect and abilities were on the rise while sexless. If I was a trainer and told you that ten weeks of exercise and a healthy diet could give you the body of your dreams you would believe me. But if as a regular, celibate man I told you that spending a little more time not chasing orgasms might help you get closer to the real you, could you believe that?
Anonymous
Why is it that most people fail to realize the spiritual elementy of sex? You are connecting with someone on more than just a physical level. Anyone who has been “sprung” knows that this is true.
April 25, 2007 at 5:09 pm
OHSucker
A great book that I encourage everyone to read is Sensual Celibacy. I think we’ve looked at the term celibate as something negative for far too long. I’m happy to say I’m celibate but I realize that when others hear or say the term they think of it negatively and think something’s “wrong with me”. LOL We really need to use the time that we have in the beginning of relationships to really get to know the person without the hinderence of sex clouded goggles.
April 25, 2007 at 6:17 pm
NeoSemantics.com
Thanks for this one…..more!
April 26, 2007 at 6:16 am
Angela
Wow…just wow. I love this! I am posting this on my personal blog. More commentary later once I have had the chance to sufficiently digest this information…
April 26, 2007 at 9:39 am
GB
“flesh-colored lens” links to an article titled “the Young and the Sexless” from Rollingstone.com 2005. It’s a great article. It has a lot deeper religious tone but it has been inspiring me for the past two years. It is a fair reporting that considers the extremes and the search a lot of us are on.
April 26, 2007 at 10:08 am
Nicole
Ok I get…eventhough I, like a lot of people don’t want to get it. I think that is really the problem, we just don’t want to understand something that is against everything that we see, hear and experience every day. Great article.
April 27, 2007 at 8:10 am
TonyatheNeoSoulJunkie
I am a bit late but this is a wonderful wonderful wonderful article. My mouth is still agape. So much is brought into prospective on this. I am not celibate but I have been without sex for 3 weeks now by choice. At 25 yrs old, I definitely feel like I have to start taking this (life, and relationships) more seriously. The one part about the average man, was “it.” It is so many lines in this article that I can babble on about but that would take all week. Anyway, very very very good. Love the food my mind was just fed… and thank you for it.
July 17, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Lisa
Nowadays, women are very clear about what they are having sex for. As a ybp, I am very busy and choosy about finding the one, and Dayton OH is not the place for a husband. HOWEVER, in the meanwhile, I do partake of a casual sexual relationship, where a conversation of HIV testing, STDs, and expectations are discussed. Just because you do that, you need to understand that not all women become emotionally involved, or are looking for love. Its funny, because the men I have had a relationship with, and still do, really don't believe its possible for me not to start having feelings, when the exact opposite starts to happen. They end up having feelings for you! (probably because of the completely stress free relationship they have…)
Just wanted to put it out there that some women are very much able to compartamentalize their sexuality, and not suffer from bouts of depression or low self-esteem in a fruitless quest for a love connection.
Lisa
December 31, 2008 at 11:12 pm
gib
that's a critical, Lisa. Just knowing what we want and being open and honest about that. I wonder if many of us do that. Prepare and plan and have an intention behind sharing ourselves and our bodies that way. I think otherwise we can find ourselves experiencing hurt, disgust, regret, confusion, addiction, etc.
my opinion has changed somewhat since writing this. i don't believe that anything we do with our physical body can separate us from our True Selves, and Divinity. But, I do think that some of our choices are evidence of lack of alignment with our True Selves and the Divinity of others.
also, it's important for women and men. I find that both gay and straight-identifying males and females experiencing discomfort after sharing themselves this way without purpose, clarity and sense of their worth. Straight-identifying women just get the wrap. And, probably just because you all are willing to talk about it more. so thanks
January 5, 2009 at 7:58 pm