The Rules of Healthy Competition

The fact that we identify ourselves as Young Black Professionals means that we are driven and have at least a little competitiveness about us. In law school being competitive was a way of life for some students, and even if you weren’t cutthroat, you still had to maintain a “survival of the fittest” mentality. But what are the rules of corporate competition? How do you successfully play the competition game? With sports, you are dealing with a game with rules, so it’s easier to learn how to compete in that arena. Off the field, where the tenets are unwritten and the stakes may be higher, you might refrain from competing entirely or limit yourself to sure bets, like applying for a promotion only if you’re positive it won’t ruffle anybody’s feathers.

Increase Your Confidence Level
But some do get competition right - and enjoy the process. According to the research of psychologist Sylvia Rimm, PhD, coauthor of the book How Jane Won, more than 40% of women who rate themselves as happy both personally and professionally named “winning in competition” (all kinds — academic, athletic, artistic) as their most positive past experience. Honing your competitive instinct will help you improve your performance in any number of situations. Winning increases self-assurance, but losing is just as valuable because you learn how to pick yourself up and try again. Here, five rules for facing competition with confidence.

1. Compete Only When It Counts
Don’t get sidetracked by envy: Make sure the things you’re competing for are the things that you value, says Betsy Cohen, author of The Snow White Syndrome: All About Envy. If you covet your friend’s new Mini Cooper, pause before you race to the nearest dealership, and consider: Is it the car you desire, or do you wish you felt as happy and self-satisfied as she does? “Often it’s the latter,” says Cohen. “Ask yourself: What would make me feel that way? It may be something entirely different from what you’ve been envying.”

2. Want the Win
Many women downplay their talents to avoid making others feel bad or resentful. “A big part of the female identity is caring for others, so women may have doubts, and even some shame, about putting self-enhancement first,” says Carole Oglesby, PhD, a sports psychology consultant at California State University at Northridge. Yet to achieve any goal, from sinking a basket to landing a client, you must be unambiguous about your desire to succeed, she says. Doubt can lead to hesitation, which can cause you to falter and ultimately fail if you are in a high-performance situation.

One of the benefits of competition is that going up against talented people often leads us to sharpen our skills and raise our own performance bar. Capitalize on that by thinking of your objective as “improve my personal best” rather than “kick her butt.” According to Oglesby, research shows that taking this approach can make the contest more enjoyable by dampening anxiety and enhancing your focus, which means you’ll learn more from the experience. If you’re vying with a colleague for your company’s top salesperson slot, for example, don’t focus on beating her numbers; concentrate on bringing in 15% more business than you did last month or last year.

3. Learn the Right Way to Lose
Women tend to attribute their victories to luck or other external factors yet blame their failures on personal shortcomings. Consequently, you may shy away from competition because any loss threatens your self-esteem. But the more you experience and rebound from disappointment, the more resilient you’ll become. Start by competing in situations where you don’t expect to win and that aren’t overly important to you, so any loss won’t be ego-crushing. If you’ve just started dabbling in photography, enter the community newspaper’s photo contest. Dust off that 12-speed bike in the garage and register for a charity bike race.

4. Play Fair
It sounds stereotypical, but studies show that some women tend toward covert competition - gossiping about, ostracizing, and withholding information from those they perceive as professional or personal threats. For example, according to research by Judith Briles, PhD, 75% of women said they’d been sabotaged by another woman in the workplace. What drives this tendency? “An increasingly competitive culture that nevertheless still tells women it’s inappropriate to compete openly for status or recognition,” says Briles, author of Woman to Woman 2000: Becoming Sabotage Savvy in the New Millennium.

You’re more likely to default to sabotage when you don’t acknowledge, even to yourself, what you want in the game, says Briles. For example, you’ll question the qualifications of a colleague who applies for a promotion without expressing your own interest in the position, or undercut a woman who’s flirting with your current crush when you don’t have the nerve to ask him to coffee.

If you find yourself treating someone unfairly behind the scenes, consider: Are you and she competing for power, position, popularity? If so, admit it, inwardly at least, and resolve not to engage in backstabbing. If you get a reputation for being two-faced or undermining, no one is going to want to share confidences with you or keep you in the grapevine.

5. Accept Applause
Do you instinctively deflect praise for everything from your great fashion sense to snagging the corner office because you’re afraid of being seen as having a big head? Get out of the habit. “Acknowledgment for the things you’ve accomplished is crucial to identity and self-worth,” says Dr. Fels. She suggests that you put yourself in a position to be praised. Identify your strengths and talents, then find places where they’re likely to be valued. If you feel your skills are wasted or unappreciated on the job, put them to work for a volunteer, school, or community group. Then accept, without apology, the kudos you score.