What (Internet) Driving School taught me about life

Saturday, lying on my couch though the beach seemed to not only call, but text, email and leave voice messages, I finally plunked down to “go” to driver’s school so my insurance wouldn’t increase and I could keep my “safe driver” status after an accident. I didn’t expect to learn anything new, especially from something on the internet. But, six hours later I was glad to have been proven wrong.

The course taught that our feelings, attitudes and ideas about driving fit into one of three ways of thinking: Parent, Child and Adult. When in Parent mode we use shoulds, oughts, dos and don’ts, always and nevers. We are motivated by a want or need to nurture or punish. In these instances the aggressive driver is out to “teach the other guy a lesson” about their driving behavior.

In Child mode the aggressive driver is only interested in personal gain regardless of the cost to others. We are motivated by the natural, adaptive, rebellious parts of ourselves. A very “me first,” impulsive behavior set.

Lastly, Adult mode was reasoned to be most effective when dealing objectively with problems. This mode develops through intellectual and educational experiences, logic and analysis. Here we are more prone to be rational and problem-solving, to filter emotions and distractions, and our decisions are based on facts and consequences. This driver is logical, rational, and makes low-risk decisions under stress about issues that may confront us on the road. Most interestingly, though, was that the adult pattern was said to be easily knocked off balance by others. And, that’s what brought me back to Life, so to speak.

I thought of all those situations where people tell me to just “let go,” to be free or to loosen up. Usually it involved some sort of behavior or task that might cause me to question its goodness, morality or my own ethics. I still live by the motto that I don’t want to do anything I wouldn’t want to see in the next morning’s paper and that doesn’t often allow me to “let go” all over the place. But, this urge (to “be free”) sounds very childlike - natural, rebellious, impulsive. And though the video was clear that both the parent and child attitudes can be useful and desirable, they also couldn’t be in all circumstances , especially at the expense of logic, intellect or safety. I also considered that not everyone has the benefit of extensive education, or an openness or willingness to learn. So perhaps they haven’t developed the tools to shift the focus off themselves. In life, love and apparently driving, there has to be compromise. If someone has shown an inability to yield to someone else’s needs in any one of those aspects, I would imagine that might also show up with the other two.

There is a parent in each of us. When I don’t allow someone to merge, or when I see other drivers flick their lights to signal behaviors they don’t like, I recognize that as the part of us that wants to teach someone a lesson. We think by punishing the other driver somehow they will pick up on what it is we think they need to do or learn. Problem is, the other person can’t intuit our wisdom, in driving or in life. Not only are we not responsible for “parenting” anyone not in our direct care, we can’t. Unless asked it is not our job to correct for the many errors in judgment that happen around us on the road, at home, or in the office. We have to be the examples, set the tone, and pray others follow suit.

It is most rational, and Adult, to avoid stress. To make low-risk decisions that allow us to keep our personal space and our distance from more risky drivers, situations or harm. If we are always in a position to - as the class put it - Identify, Predict, Decide (assess risk), and Execute behaviors and strategies (for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness) we set ourselves up for success. We then take time to assess our surroundings; we develop a patience for errors in judgment and thinking of others; and we safely reach our destinations and goals.