Is it time to rethink love?

Recently, I attended a talk with Kevin Rice, a student of “A Course in Miracles,” who offered a very atypical view of life, religion and especially love. Kevin opined that the laws of romantic relationships and traditional courtship are mostly man-made, self-created notions. And, that the rules, demands and forms that we place on those relationships are not always the true, natural expressions of the underlying love. Or better, one person’s expectations + another person’s expectations = frustration. He presented a picture of love that I think resonates much truer than the examples passed down and most often presented. He suggested there are five truths about love that common practice and the ego directly oppose.

1. Love is Now – What is often felt is that fear is now and fear pulls us into the past and into speculation about the future. But, to do so crucifies us between past regrets and future expectations. The answer is to stop thinking. You cannot change the past and you do not have the future. What you have is the present. That’s where love is.

2. Love is Within – on our journey it can feel like love is somehow outside of us, or not complete without companionship. That causes us to project; we seek outside of ourselves the love or fulfillment that may be lacking within. But, love is us. If we treat ourselves with the love within, we will treat our partner with that love.

3. Love is Substance – common practice teaches us that love is form. The exclusive love relationships we create often draw a line around the two participants; inside the lines is the love and if we step out, there is no love. But that takes our eyes off love and places it on the form of the love: the friendship, the marriage, the parent/child or teacher/student relationship. But, love is all and knows no levels or degrees. The experience of the relationship is how the love is being expressed. It is not the love. Love is the end, the means may be the marriage or special relationship.

4. Love is Release – Love is often likened to imprisonment (“ball and chain,” anyone?). However, love does not bring bondage. And if we know forgiveness, we know that mistakes are in the past. So if I bind my partner to those mistakes, I, too, am bound to the past where love is not because love is here, in the present. Love is the freedom to be and to be now: honest, giving, exposed, excited, encouraged, motivated … loved.

5. Love is Creation – Fear and time suggest love can be extinguished. When we are fighting with our loved one, angry or at “wit’s end” we assume it is because the “love is gone.” But, love IS. Love has not and cannot go anywhere. So the true and real challenge is to step back in those angry, helpless moments and recognize “I don’t know what this is” and ask “what would LOVE do?”

So, if we ask ourselves “what is the purpose of this relationship?” we should find it is not because we want or need something, Kevin says. Because love is, and love is inside us, we have everything we need to be happy and complete right now. The purpose of the relationship and the soul mate “experience” (as he called it, not subscribing to the man-made idea of soul mates), is the potential to awakening to love with this person more than with any other.

Admittedly, I was left with many questions, e.g., if love does not have any degrees how do I explain the “in-love” feeling? Don’t I have to reconcile the different levels between romantic, platonic and filial love? But I liked how he was able to boil it down. There are two emotions: love and fear. One created by God, one created by humans. It is impossible to experience love and fear at the same time. God is love, so it follows that it is impossible to look to God, or Love, and experience doubt, lack, limitation or fear at the same time. So in any relationship, condition or confusing time in life we have a choice of which emotion to express. Next time ask, “what would love do?”