Consciousness Today: Wrestle With Your Darkness

Who inspires you? Even if you don’t identify with Oprah, Magic Johnson or Warren Buffett, it is hard not to want to be like them. One day I want to have a massive fortune and be so free with it that I can give half of it away, like Buffet. My mom and dad move me, too; they are good, successful, law-abiding people. I see myself in many of them, and other “normal,” prosperous people. Their greatness inspires my sense of my own infinite potential.

I marvel, though, when I watch the evening news and neighbors or co-workers are interviewed when someone does something heinous. “He was the nicest guy, and such a good dad,” “she was such a hard-worker and dedicated mom,” or “I can’t believe he would ever do that.” We are surprised when “normal” people do bad things. I am not surprised. I am, again, inspired.

It is easy to identify with the “good” people and to imagine ourselves with similar success and apparent contentment. But, what about the snipers, murderous spouses and students, and massive prison population? There are arguably more of them than these wildly successful archetypes, but no one is identifying with them. Are they any less “good?” Are they any less “normal?”

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Wrestle with Your Darkness

It’s been my experience that the average person (at different times in life) is teetering on some kind of edge: the edge of depression, the edge of financial ruin, the edge of divorce, or some other potentially life-altering event. And, I sometimes wonder if we have been given the tools to handle it. There is still this sense of “not putting your business in the streets,” where therapy and things of the like go. There is an embarrassment about admitting weakness or failure. If we cannot handle our own problems within the family or tight-knit communities something is said to be wrong with us. On the contrary, I do not think we were ever supposed to try to do and be so much on our own. We can always use a little outside help, objectivity and illumination. Otherwise any anger or frustration that remains bottled must eventually give.

A couple years of therapy and introspection have taught me quite a lot. The first, I must wrestle with my darkness. I must know those cavernous places within me that can sink me in a moments notice, whether it be anger, some addictive tendency, depression, anxiety, co-dependency or some other ill. Because you want to know the truth? All those things are ok. We are no less good and no less wonderful because we have places of vulnerability. It is when we deny and resist the existence of these characteristics that we risk the types of explosions, outbursts, and shocking news stories that lead someone close to us to say, “I don’t believe it. She had everything going for her. Her life seemed perfect.” Unfortunately, that’s what we’ve been taught to do - live that surface perfection and wait and hope that inner turmoil disappears. However, what we resist persists. None of it is going anywhere until we stop judging it and embrace all the aspects of ourselves. The stuff we like and the stuff we dislike. It’s all still us. And as with most things, the beauty and the bounty come when we love and accept it.

This is where we find humanity. This is where we find forgiveness for ourselves and others. Not just in the things that make us similar, or the things that we aspire to be, but also in the things that show us our depths and the full range of our capabilities. Just as I am capable of being one of those astronauts to land on the moon, I am also capable of repugnant behavior. When I admit it, it is a very uncomfortable thought, but it opens a door to new possibilities: a new awareness of myself, relief that I do not have to be perfect, an honest and fearless examination of my strengths and weaknesses, and a renewed focus on surrounding myself with the people and circumstances that build, encourage and empower me. The faithful among us already know that in our weakness God is strong. Any weakness in a foundation is only a problem when it is unknown or ignored. If the time and resources are spent to fortify it, it will stand and remain strong. So take care of yourself, and know that we can have no concept of light if we have never known (some) darkness.