About.com has a great article on the subject and Charlyn Chisholm is right when she says that “in reality, tipping etiquette has evolved into a secret subculture with hidden expectations that aren’t always well understood.” Also, tipping is never required, but is expected in many places. As a former server I’d like to offer a few tips on how to shine when you are tipping and a few perspectives.

1. TIP actually derives from To Insure Promptness. Keep that in mind the next time you use the services of skycaps, cabs, bellmen, car washes, and doormen. Chisholm’s article suggests that in that spirit, tipping should be thought of first and foremost as a reward for prompt and attentive service.

2. The general expectation of servers is 20%. This is the standard in major metropolitan cities like New York. However, servers tend to be content with the more likely 15% reality. Are you responsible for their expectations? Not necessarily. But, there are reasons you might want to be.

3. Don’t play bartenders. A very popular food network tv star once said it is ok to tip bartenders 10%. If you actually observe your bartender she is typically responsible for preparing the drinks for the restaurant servers, handling a take-out counter and serving guests at the bar. Don’t let her proximity to her equipment and the food fool you. She has things to do. And, if her service is just as good or better than service at a table, why does she deserve less? If the bartender only serves drinks then I would agree that 10%, or $1 per drink is satisfactory. But, I don’t think that tv star made the distinction.

4. Want faster takeout? There is no smarter place to be a good tipper, especially if it is a place you get take out from often. I can assure you that bartenders and take-out servers know their tippers. They usually want to know you by name or by voice. They will stop what they are doing to give you your food and will bend over backwards to get you free stuff, tell you what’s new, if something special is going on at the restaurant, make sure your order is correct, and that you are happy.

5. Reputation. if you frequent a restaurant there is no worse reputation to have than a bad tipper. And if you are routinely tipping less than 15%, trust me, that is the reputation you have among every server in the building whether they have actually served you or not.

6. A server typically expects to take 15% of his or her tips home at the end of the night. However, in order to do so the server must receive 20% or more from guests. So that if you want your server to actually get 15%, because he will have to tip out about 10%-20% of his tips to bussers, server assistants and bartenders, you would have to tip more than 15%. Now, that is not any guest’s problem. It is the cost of doing business. However, in evaluating our intentions and what we want the server to have, it is a relevant consideration.

7. Factor your tip into your decision to dine out. Sticker shock is no excuse to tip poorly.

8. If you have an incredible experience your tip should reflect that. If you have a horrible experience your tip should reflect that.

9. With the exception of a few states servers only make $2.13 an hour. True, it is the servers choice to take that risk. But everyone should know by now that a server is usually not paid a living wage by the restaurant.

10. Interviews conducted over a meal are often tests of interaction with service staff, manners and etiquette. Dates often look to see if you are a good tipper, too.

11. Use a tip chart, although doubling the first number usually does the job ($30.00 = $6.00 tip. However, $38.00 should be a $7.50 or $8.00 tip)

If service persons feel appreciated they go out of their way to show that kindness in return. Why? Because kindness and respect from guests is somewhat rare. And, because kindness begets kindness. Servers tell other servers when they are seated with a good-tipper, thereby insuring the other server will give excellent service as well. It is a win-win situation! Hotel bellmen, dry cleaners, valet, concierge, cleaning persons – you become a rock star and a first priority if they have already been tipped well or know they will be. I purposefully excluded the Subway, gas station, and ice cream parlor tip jars. These people usually make a more standard hourly wage, so unless they have done something above and beyond I am not inclined to tip just because a mason jar has a sign on it.

You could also look at this as an opportunity to give. Generosity is never a bad thing. Again, just some food for thought. We are not responsible for the expectations of servers and other wait staff. At the same time if you enlist the services of one of these workers, knowing there is a reasonable expectation that tipping should happen, it’s only fair to do it, and do it well.